You

A swell rise inside me,
only peaks abundant,
like a thousand fluttering fireflies.
The lights, fairy like,
ebbing in continuum.
I struggle to make sense,
wrestle to find labels, words and tags.
So many,
come to mind, yet none do snugly fit.
One could cipher happiness,
correctly so,
but only part of a whole,
I'd point out.
Some nostalgia thrown in too,
a solitary tear trickling,
a smile playing upon my lips,
music long forgotten,
a song etched into my soul.
Sense of accomplishment galore,
a pinch of pride too.
The realization of Lady luck's benevolence,
a silent prayer to the stars.
Finding love, and knowing it,
enough to drown myself in,
and yet yearn to drown some more.
Try as hard as I may, words elude,
almost as if Medusa's gaze invaded my mind.
Although, Ask my bleeding heart,
And with vigor it will repeat: You.

The Story till now :-Rishav and Shree - Part 3

As the day dawned, Sheeru began to get ready for the “meeting” as she liked to call it in her head; afraid to call it a date, for the fear of disappointment. Rishav, on the other hand was battling jet lag. His soft plush bed at the hotel was calling to him. An urge difficult to resist after the arduous journey, but one that he had to. Sheeru had chosen the café. A quiet place in the plush corner of the city, decorated with paintings by upcoming artists from across the city. A place that was just enough public, enough private.

Sheeru discarded 15 outfits before finally settling on the Rani pink saree. She knew that she looked great in sarees. This one, especially, was becoming to her very much, complementing her dusky complexion. He would like this very much. Rishav, stood in front of the full length mirror in the bath, holding a shirt in each hand. Blue or Brown; Brown or Blue. What would she like? He picked the blue one. She couldn’t get herself to eat even a bite before heading out. Her stomach was full of butterflies. She would throw up if she even thought of food right now. The only thing she could think of right now, was if Rishav would like her.  The drive was 30 minutes from where she lived. Thirty long onerous testy minutes in the city traffic. He was having a tough time keeping still. What if Shree wouldn’t like him? He wanted to push that possibility out of his head, but couldn’t think of anything else. He had to wait ten minutes for the cab to arrive, and thirty more to get to the café she’d picked. Had to be the most anxious forty minutes of his life. He had to remind himself to breathe.

As He got into the cab, he received a text. “I’m almost there.” Damn. His data had just run out. He couldn’t reply. He was now going to make her wait. Damn it! Way to go, first impression. She worried as the blue ticks appeared, but a reply didn’t follow. Was this guy going to stand her up after all they had spoken about? Perhaps not. She would wait some more to find out. She kept fidgeting with the end of her saree, glancing repeatedly at the entrance to the café. What if he showed up, and a look of disappointment flashed across his face? She didn’t know what she would do then. He spoke to Rashid the cab driver, to keep himself from tearing his nails out. He was more nervous today than he had been on his first job interview. He visualized happiness and unhappiness in alternation, reflect across her beautiful face. He couldn’t deal with the latter. Everything would be in vain.

She memorized the menu as she waited. She ordered a Latte for the want of something to do. As she looked up from the menu, He walked in, across the pebbled path, into the café; not taking his eyes off hers, locking her in his gaze. And that’s when Rishav and Shree knew. This was it. This was fated. This was something. This was great and more. This was other-worldly. This was Love.

As the moment dawned,

Dawn it did upon my being,

This was to be cherished. For safe-keeping,

Locked forever, key lost to the world.

The fleeting thumping,

The soaring highs,

The laughter ringing in my eyes.

Laugh I did, in yester-years,

Falling in love? In a moment?

Hah! A thing for the movies,

And myriad dramas, only for novels.

Today withal, I saw the light.

Love knew no reasons,

Love knew no checklists,

Love knew no boundaries,

Love knew no symmetry.

Love is to love, just to love.

And fall, I did as hard as they fell.

The Story till now - Shree :- Part 2

SHREE

I don’t get even a wink of sleep before the night of the travel. I lie awake with all sorts of morbid thoughts running through my mind about how awfully wrong my journey could go. This not only goes on when I travel, but also when my loved ones do. This was one of those nights. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the different ways in which we wouldn’t meet each other’s expectations. Perhaps it would be hate at first sight. I had been obsessing over this ever since he had confirmed his trip to seal the deal.  My mind kept racing back to the first time my father had shared his profile with me.

“I’m sick of all these NRI engineers Papa! They’re all the same. Not an ounce of grey matter and boring as hell.”

“Come now Sheeru. Just speak to him once. If you don’t like how he sounds, we’ll politely decline their alliance. Ek try toh banta hai beta.”

And that is how it all began. I reasoned that I had nothing to lose by speaking to the guy once. What could one harmless conversation do? I found out the very next day; I was floored the first time I spoke to him. There was something the way he spoke. It seemed so easy to let go and say whatever was really on my mind. If you knew me, you’d understand how difficult it was for me to open up to new people. I mostly feel like I am speaking in a language different from the one that people around me understand. It felt great to have someone who finally got me! Somehow, he didn’t feel new. He felt vaguely familiar, and I took to him quite easily. I sometimes felt like he could even read my mind. I connected to him at a level that I hadn’t with anyone else before. It felt perfect, may be too perfect.

However, I had a very ominous feeling about this whole affair. It seemed too good to last. I was hoping against hope over here, for this to pan out. The last couple of years were easily my toughest ones. I had tasted failure with everything that I had touched. I wasn’t unhappy with my life, don’t misunderstand me. I was every grateful for everything that had been bestowed upon me; I just felt like I wasn’t ever enough for it all. And somehow, this incredibly familiar stranger had made me feel enough and more. He brought out emotions in me that I had kept locked up for years now. The ease that I felt around him had made me even confess my deepest darkest desires to him. He made me happier than I had ever been, and this was even before I’d laid my eyes upon him.

“Don’t worry Sheeru. It’ll all go well beta. Just have faith.”

“I know Papa. It’s just that everything seems so perfect. I feel like this is it. This either makes it or breaks it. I cannot even picture the emotional consequences for me if this doesn’t work out. And that scares me.”

“Sheeru. Calm down. Don’t think that just because the past has been tough on you, things will continue to be that way. Things, situations and times are constantly changing. Every day is not going to be a bad one for you. Trust your gut beta. Trust your heart. They will never lie to you about how you feel about someone. Take my advice: stop fretting about the decision, just look forward to enjoying the time you have with him. Some people come into our lives to stay, others just come in to bring us happiness, and leave. Don’t worry about which one of the two he is. Just go with the flow, and trust me your heart with take the decision for you.”

I jolted back to the now, as the hot water turned tepid. The day to take the call was here. Today would be our first date. Would it be the first of many? Would our online chemistry take fire in reality? I’d soon find out.

Letting go and Finding oneself

(Source:http://upliftconnect.com/letting-go-of-attachment/)

As I lay awake one night, tossing and turning in bed as I often do when I am unable to fall asleep; a thought struck me. Was letting go such a bad thing? What if as I let go of a person or a relationship, and in the same moment, get a glimpse of myself, an epiphany? Would that be a win or loss ?

The answer I came up with, was a surprising one.

Firstly, What is the need to let go of something or someone in life ?

In order to answer this question, I'd like to think of people as energies. Some people enter life like a breath of fresh air, and stay on without becoming stale, while others end up becoming stale and suffocate. While others, enter it with rain, gale, hail et al, and take it by storm, teach me the lesson I am to learn, and leave as suddenly as they came. To put it plainly, some people bring about a lot of positive energy with every interaction. Time spent with them makes me feel good, and helps me grow, while others sap me of energy. Without any disrespect to any person living or dead, I'd say that there are many people who drain me of all energy. Time spent with such people makes me miserable, and I find myself dreading every encounter with them, absolutely toxic.This is when I know that it is time to let go.

Letting go is a painful process. Trust me. It pains me a lot to let go of people; some of whom I loved (or love) dearly. I feel like someone's wringing my heart with all their might, with the intent to pulverise. But, I realised the hard way, that letting go is a process one must indulge in.It's not a place I'd go to willingly, but it is one that I must visit periodically. And as cold and heartless as it might sound, once a person stops aiding the path to growth in life, they must be let go. True, that it is not kind to hurt another person in that way, but there is no greater sin than self harm. Self preservation is of prime importance over here.

So, it is safe to say that letting go of toxic people and things in life is a win.

Secondly, What is knowledge of self ?

In my opinion, the knowledge of self is the most coveted knowledge of all. Knowing oneself propels a person onto a path of grown that is of incredible clarity. It maximises the person's purpose in life, as well as an instrument to serve society. As much as I'd like to believe that most of my actions are emotionally driven, it is true that there exists a rational root behind every emotion. Identifying this rational thought behind emotions and subsequent action, helps to understand oneself better. Once a person knows themselves well, the path forward becomes exceedingly clear. Acceptance of oneself, and identifying the shortfalls, helps a person know where they need to correct themselves.

I believe that knowledge of the past prepares us for what the future has to bring. Thus it is imperative to introspect upon the happenings of the past, and keep the lessons learnt close to the heart. There is no formula as such to win in life. However, the lessons of the past coupled with the knowledge of self, help dispel at least a fraction of the uncertainly of how to take life by the horns.

Thus, knowledge of self, even a glimpse of it, is a win.

Lastly, What if the letting go of someone, leads to a glimpse of oneself?

Once I let go of people who hold me back in life, I feel like the roller coaster of emotions that take hold of me, spin me into a spiral of thinking and introspection. I get to understand what I crave for in life. I feel like a small part of the path I am to take in life, has been uncovered. I understand clearly, what it is that I want ( or atleast don't want), both from myself and the people around me. This once again puts me onto the path of self discovery. A win once again.

So to conclude, letting go is painful, but it is something that needs to be done nevertheless; if it comes with a glimpse of self discovery, it's worth it. So a win, through and through.

Just like Waves

Like every other poet-ess of my time, I believe that the best expression of my thoughts is through my poetry. So, here is one to talk about my state of mind at the moment.

Just as waves do,

They surge, they ebb.

High and mighty,

Ascending to dizzying heights,

Low, and down below,

Drowning to the sinking abyss.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

Just like the sand.

A clean slate,

Waiting for the imprints,

Of the myriard laughs you bring.

As your feet dig in,

A memory is sown.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

Just like the shells,

Scattered about.

Some oyster like,

Holding pearls of happiness within.

Priceless.

Others hollow and empty,

Worthless.

Ensuing one misery,

After the other.

Such is the journey

Called Life.

Just like the Sun,

Sinking for the day into

The black depths of the ocean.

Ascertaining, the value of every ray.

Soon to be extinguished.

With the promise of a come back,

Once again,

Again and again.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

A Friend in Need

 I had just showered. As I dried my damp hair, I walked into my closet. I ran my hand over the various ensembles I could put together. I studied my reflection in the mirror as I had done every morning.  An off white blouse, with a dark grey skirt, or perhaps a mustard yellow blouse with a navy blue skirt- one of them would surely do the trick, for the client presentation today. My clients were all I lived for after I’d started working as an Analyst for a financial firm. Don’t get me wrong. I loved my job. It kept me on my toes, and still excited me after four years. The downside was my dwindling social life. I hardly had the time to keep in touch with my old friends, let alone, make new ones.

 The mustard yellow blouse appealed to me today. After a quick breakfast, I examined my final look in the mirror. I hurried down the stairs; I was running late, again.  As I approached my car in the parking space across the road, I noticed that something was not quite right. I could see flies hovering around on the inside of the car. That was not possible; Unless, the window of the car was broken! Indeed, the passenger’s the side window was broken. Powdered glass debris lay scattered all over the seat. I moved cautiously towards the driver’s side of vehicle in a state of shock, prepared for the worst. That’s when I saw the worst of it: the dashboard had been vandalized! The custom made stereo system, along with the speakers had been pulled out- wires et al.

 I was dazed. I had only heard of car theft. I had no idea what was supposed to be done when confronted with something like this. I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks, and the sobs escaping my mouth in between gulps of air. I felt defeated, alone.That’s when my neighbor, for the better part of the last one month approached me. I remember him handing me a bottle of water to drink, as he patted my back, uttering reassurances of “there, there”.  He then proceeded to take a look at my car, taking in the damage.

 “Is your car insured?” he asked me, “Oh yes! It is.” I answered, suddenly realizing that I could put in a claim for more than half of this damage. I heaved a sigh of relief. The situation was redeemable! He then proceeded to ask me whether I had reported the theft to the police, and then explained the procedure with the insurance company. He even offered to drive me to the police station and the insurance company office in his vehicle. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you wrap this up. I know a couple of people down at the station”, he said.

 I felt blessed to have him beside me on that day. He was true to his word. He not only drove me to the station and insurance company, but also took care of all the other paper work, just taking my signatures on the dotted lines. We even grabbed a pizza along the way; he had turned this adversity into a picnic! He was an angel in disguise for me that day. He spent an entire day helping someone he hardly knew; to ease their distress. He made me believe that humanity wasn’t dead, that all the world needed to become a better place was more people like him.

 “Hey! I completely forgot to ask you. What’s your name?” I asked him as we just pulled up into his parking spot. “I’m Krish”, he said extending his hand to shake. “I’m Siya”, I said drawing him into a hug. I’d made a new friend.  

Time Heals.

Been trying,

seems like forever now.

Evades me, 

makes me relive,

those moments,

perhaps, forbidden ones too.

Happiness, sorrow,

treachery, love.

Reeling in my closed eyes.

Revisiting those places,

left far behind.

On a road, 

forgotten, till now.

Laughter still rings,

Cries and screams echo.

Haunt, even.

On an old path,

long gone.

Still feel my heart thumping,

loud and clear.

Still hear the voice calling.

Even feel my feet carrying me,

towards the alluring call.

Warm embrace, cold breath,

fingers entwined. 

Remember the giddy,

heady, overwhelming 

sweet pain. 

A sigh reverberates.

It is all over now. 

Time heals, does it really?

Grey hair, and wrinkles galore,

Yet,

only takes a moment,

to go back to that time.

Where my wounds are still sore,

blood still ebbs, 

and stands my body,

ripped apart from its Soul.

The canvas, called life

The biggest and most difficult decision is life always about, what we want to make of it. So, how do most of us take that call? How do we know what the right thing to do is or even to not do? How do we know that what we’re doing today will benefit us tomorrow? How do we know that we’ll be happy?

Now, let me try to answer all those questions to the best of my experience and knowledge.

The call. The trickiest thing ever, to be or not to be. This is perhaps the toughest one. I for one, never ever know, even till the last minute, and more often than not, just end up trusting my gut. I find this one so difficult, that once, out of sheer frustration, unable to discuss or argue further about whether to do or not, I simply tossed a coin.

Heads, I do it. Tails, I don’t.

At other, more sensible and sane times, I call up my closest friends, and pour my heart out to them, and let them give me inputs and then decide. And sometimes, I just blindly follow the societal norm of what’s expected and do it. So many different ways for just one person to decide.

But that is the nature of the hurdles life throws to us. Sometimes, it’s an easy catch, and sometimes we need to dive, and scrape our elbows for it!

The next hurdle is always after you take the call, whether the call we’ve taken is right or not. Now, that’s something that we have no way of knowing before taking the call. Some decisions on the face of it appear to be the most correct, but might not be so in reality, while others may appear to be not so good, but might benefit us the most!

So, what I believe is that only 50% of the decision is ever completely in our hands, for the other 50%, we just need to take a leap of faith. Which means, jump first, and pray real hard that there be a cushion underneath!

In short, what I mean to say is that let your life take you places, but then once there, you always have the choice of what you’re going to make out of it. From there on courage, determination, discipline and love help us make our lives.

Our life is like an empty canvas, life gives us the assortment of paints that we’re to use on it, to make it beautiful and fruitful. Now, it’s our choice what kind of shades we choose to paint on it, and in what way. We may just splash random colours, and make a mess of it, or plan ahead, choose the right shades, and make a gorgeous painting out of it.

And what’s to happen when the paint runs out? No worries, life will always give us the option to open a whole new set of paints, with different shades, they might be different from what we’ve used before, but there’re also paints.

Wonder who’s the paintbrush in the entire scenario?

Some people like to call it destiny, some fate, and some others like to call him God. Just like the paintbrush helps to transfer the paint onto the canvas, God/fate/destiny helps us to find our path in life.

So, don’t fret if life isn’t a smooth ride right now. It might be a bumpy ride right now, but yes, Life will take us to that special place, and we’ll make it a haven, a wonderful place of our own, and carve out our niche.

A little something I drew for a Friend's birthday

For a friend who'd been there for me always, in my best and worst times, I felt that just buying something wouldn't give me the satisfaction. So, I decided to sit down, and sketch a little something for him, have it framed, and sent. This is what I sketched, and yes, my friend loved it :)

Know Thyself

Okay. No.

 This is plain weird. I have never ever directly typed out whatever came out of my mind, and posted it. I don't know why I feel like doing this today. I  can't point my finger at the 'why' and answer it. But I sure do know that something is amiss. I normally don't crave for so much of company. I have been quite a loner, and don't really mind my own company. Sometimes, I'd rather be alone than in someone's company. Today is different, I have absolutely no idea, why I feel this way.

 This is how it is. The mind is such a malicious thing. It makes us feel, such a variety of things and that too for no apparent sensible reason. I cannot possibly fathom the cause of this disturbance. Sometimes, I wish that we could sit face to face, and have a frank conversation with our minds to know what was exactly going on. 

Picture this: Mr.Mind and me, are sitting across the table, at a coffee shop, sipping coffee, and I ask him, "Hi mind, why are you behaving in this weird, inexplicable fashion?".

Sigh.Wish.

But then, here I am, with my laptop open, logged into blogger and typing out this article, straight from my volatile mind. It's not like I have nothing better to do. If I sat down this second to jot down all the work that I have to finish, I can assure you it'd be one really long list!

Then, Why am I here? Why am I typing this out?

I have a set of very close friends. Strangely, I don't feel like calling up any of them, and talking to them about this. Guess, this is something I want to talk to just myself about. Again, Sigh. Wish.

Well, the best way for me summarize it, is in poetry, so here goes:

Know Thyself

Are you playing with me now?

'what makes you think so?'

These moods,

those thoughts,

come on, you think

 I don't know your style?

'don't you go around,

fooling yourself this way!

knowing me, aint that easy,

you'd hope, beg and pray!'

You're the one fooling me,

confusing me,

and giving me a real tough time,

this way!

'cribbing won't take you

anyplace.

nor will engaging in a

litany.'

What else is there for me?

with you not even by my side.

Advice me, show me some

insight!

'calm down, soothe

those wild thoughts,

be aware, awaken,

take charge,

control me, let not me control you!

Know Thyself.'

Magic words, 

will they help?

'know thyself,

that's enough for all.'

Well, that answered all my questions didn't it. Simple solution, Calm down, think straight, take it slow, and most of all, know yourself. Know yourself well, and accept yourself first, for whatever you are.

Note: Everything single word in this post is truly unedited.

Hide and Seek

Hide and seek.
Don't play hide and seek now,
the sun's about to sign off
for the day,
the moon's walking in,
our way.
I am tired now,
worried too,
Come on, come out, wherever you are,
stop making me run about,
I aint so young anymore, you see.
my sight's faltering,
and steps uncertain,
come on, come out, reveal yourself now.
why do you play,
so much in the dark, I say.
Show me yourself now,
Can't wait anymore.
You've made me weary in the day,
and hazy vision in the night,
Expose yourself,
and show me the way now.
You know,
you're the only respite,
to take me forward.
So, come on, come out, wherever you are!
Lead me away,
from these shadows,
show me the path of light,
bright and shiny.
Fill me,
with what you promised.
Hope.
Hope to live on,
move on,
achieve more,
bring sense,
meaningful.
Come on, come out, wherever you are!

Fathers

I have just returned from a short vacation in Kuwait, with my father. Though close, my father and me don't agree much on many accounts. In spite of our various differences, and arguments, I truly had an awesome time with my father.  Thus decided to sit down, and write a poem about how much my father meant to me. Here it is :

“Papa”
One of the first words I said,
The one who read me those
Bed-time stories,
Answered my very many queries,
Carried me in his arms,
On his shoulders, chest and head,
The only one who could,
Put me to bed.

“Dad ! Dad! Come quick!”
The one who took me places,
To dance class, music class,
And helped me win those Aces.
Taught me Math, and Science,
And helped me make my Mark.
The only Man behind my success,
And the only Man standing,
In my losses.

“Dad, I know this. I’ll handle it.”
The one who stood patiently,
And impatiently,
Understanding,
And not Understanding,
Worried, concerned, and petrified,
Granting independence,
Watching his lil girl,
Bloom.

“Dad! I can’t believe this is happening to me!”
The one who consoled,
Wiped those tears, and said those soothing,
Yet, criticising words.
Convincing, of a better,
Brighter future, and highlighting,
All those good things you’ve done.

“Dad! I’ll miss you.”
The one who understood the most,
Missing you in equal measure,
Hiding those tears, while,
Wiping yours.
Praying, and Wishing,
That the New Man, would love,
And care for you, much more
Than he did.

“Dad, what do I do?”
The one who answered your,
Questions about life,
Discussed, argued and even fought.
Helped make some of the best decisions.

“Dad! Isn’t she beautiful?”
The one who first carried your little angel,
Just like he’d carried you,
Thinking about how his lil girl,
Is all grown up now.
And reminiscing all those,
wonderful times,
His lil girl had given him.

This poem comes straight from my heart, dedicated to all fathers. Dad, I Miss You. Love you :) Truly enjoyed these 10 days with you.

Awesome !

I am incredibly happy ! Though a little upset over some aspects, over all, I am Happy, and Content. It was a decent show, and I have recieved some fabulous appreciation, and also some criticism. I got cited, and covered by seven local newspapers ! And It all feels awesome !!

It is such an exhilarating feeling to have pursued a passion, and listen to some praises, comforting words, from the eminent people present, and the audienence alike. It was a proud moment for my parents, and I felt even more proud to have put them in those shoes.

Two pics of the event close to my heart :)

I want to thank evry single person who made this evening possible, and those who have been my support in every walk of life.

Thoughts unstoppered.

It has been such a long time since I've written anything about the happennings in my life. So, today, I just suddenly had this thought. There is so much going on in my life at the moment, I just so, have to document it!

I am incredibly excited about the dance performance that's coming up. I am also at the same time, so tensed, whether I shall be able to recreate the magic on stage, even today, 4 years from my last performance. I have worked so very hard for just this moment in time. I have put in every effort, and worked up every cell in my body for this one. I desperately want this  to work. I crave the stage, and spotlight once again, but am also fearful whether I shall be able to utilise, and showcase my talent or not.  I am even losing my appetite! Mixture of  all these emotions makes me want to write a poem to put it all out ( may be 'cause, I seem to express myself much better in poetry, than in any other form of expression).

So I go ahead, and get a pen, and a paper( sounds much better than saying, I just opened MS word :D), to write that poem, and get those thoughts out. Here is what I ended up with.

Overwhelming.
Thats what all this is.
I remember,
may be you've forgetten,
but oh yes, I do.
The sound still rings in my ears,
and what sound!
The most beautiful one
could yearn for.
Applause.
Crave for it, we all do.
Spotlight, upon me.
Center of attaraction.
Appreciation showered, by all alike.
All of six years.
Today, almost eons later,
I yearn, crave, and want,
everything again.
But, Worry, Nerves,
envelope me,
Will I shine once more?
Or, will I loom dark?
Then, the tiny voice,
I hear,
"Leave it to the Lord, my love,
Leave it all to him."
Peace. Confidence. Acceptance. Courage.
Fill my heart.

Well those are my thoughts, out and about now. I feel so much lighter, and happy to have shared all this with you. I truly feel at peace. And woah ! Looks like I just got my appetite back, am going to go and grab a sandwich now. Chao !

Land

I had not known of this,

Till you came walking into my life.

Taught me to love, without thought.

Made it colourful, you did,

Filled each minute with beautiful

Memories to live by.

But, you had to leave didn’t you?

Your land needed you,

Leaving me to alone, waiting for you,

By the door.

I waited, oh yes I did,

I knew you were in each thought of mine,

As I was in yours.

Your letters gave me courage,

I knew you were fine,

They smelt of you and the land,

Both one and the same now.

I felt your arms embrace me once more,

A dream but it was, blissful, serene, peaceful.

Breathtaking to have felt your perfect self,

But broken it was, like a bubble.

You did not return, but time passed

For everyone but me,

I was still there at the door,

Waiting as always.

One day, I saw you.

I’m sure I did.

It was you in a coffin, decorated with

Honors I knew not of.

I thought you belonged to me,

But no, you belonged to the land,

Land that had brought about your being.

land that had brought us together,

land that was now tearing us apart for good.

As you like it.

" Hey ! It's been a while since we've had some time together. I am so happy you could finally make it today. So tell me how's life been ?"

"Well, I've had a good share of the highs and the lows."

"Now, that doesn't sound very happy to me. You want to talk about it?"

"I don't know. I am so confused."

" Its okay. Go on tell me. Lets figure a way out."

"Its just that you know, I have to do so much to keep this person happy. Sometimes, I don't recognise myself anymore."

"What are you saying? There is always a limit to how much you are willing to compromise. I always thought that you were a bold, outspoken and frank person. Why are you doing this to yourself now? Why not just tell the truth?"

"I just feel that, to keep them happy, I am willing to go to any level. But I do see what you mean, I feel lifeless now. I end up spending so much time in the company of people I cannot even stand the sight of. It's crazy. I also end up doing so many things that I don't like, and also not doing some of the things that I just love."

"See, every friendship, or relationship requires a little understanding, and adjustment, but this is way too much. I personally feel, that we live just once. We mustn't spend too much time doing the things that we don't like, or spend too much time with people we don't like. You just have to realise that, a person who doesn't have the ability to understand you, as you are, doesn't even deserve your time, effort or attention in anyway. So, in turn you don't actually need to compromise so much. It's not too late, don't lose yourself now."

"You know, what you're saying is so true. I realise what I am doing to myself right now. It's not even worth my time and energy. "

"It's better late than never ! I am happy that you at least are in the position to understand what is happening. See, life is too short to spend it in misery. Life is a gift, use it well. Live it well, use your abilities to the best possible end, wholeheartedly serve those who are in need, indulge in some spiritually enhancing activities. Don't waste your time on people who fail to see your worth. Happiness is a state of mind, feel consciously happy, and that's when you'll be able to spread it to people around you. Always only indulge in activities that keep you happy. Simple rule in life."

"I understand, this is just what I needed to know. Thanks so much for being there."

" Don't say that ! It's for things like this that, friends like me exist."

Thoughts.

Everything happens for a reason,
they say.
Mind, nevertheless,
constructs, and destructs,
fantasies, like no other.
If, only we had lasted.
What, If we hadn't met?
If, I was younger.
If, I was older.
If, I had only known, back then.
Would, life be any different?
Can the mind predict?
Did, I really know back then?
If, I had,
would I still have done the same.
Things would change, If I hadn't?
Am I happier?
Was I sadder?
Am, I lying now?
Was, I lying then?
Regret? Pain? Suffering?
Contentment? Love? Happiness?

Stop!
Think straight.
The Truth.
What am I feeling?
I know,
Relief.

Is it worth it?
Totally is.

Sorry?

I had been a little apprehensive about the use of the word 'Sorry'. It is usually used very flippantly. People believe that one word is enough to erase all the hurt, and misgivings. Unfortunately, it takes a lot to say 'Sorry' and actually mean it. There are hardly any people left on this planet who say it, only when they mean it.

Sorry, is a word with a truck load of value, was my perception all along. But then, a thought struck me recently. By saying 'sorry' if peace is attained, or if 'sorry' saves a relationship, what is the harm in doing so? A story to demonstrate the same.

My best friend is like any other best friend. She is my confidante, and my guide. I turn to her for every problem that takes place in my life. Now, it so happened, that me and her had a huge argument about a play that we were to stage in school. We both said a lot of hurtful things to each other. Each of us was very upset by the other's behaviour. I kept my feelings to myself, and felt guilty for days together. Me, and her had stopped talking to each other, and even if we did, it was just some niceties. It was she who made the first step, she came to me one day after class, and gave me small 'sorry' card. That was it. We were back to being friends again. It was then that I noted that, both of us were guilty of hurting each other, but her thoughtfulness, had helped us get back together again.

It was then that I felt that in a disagreement it doesn't matter who apologises first. Friendship, love, and relationships are more important than the act of apologising. As long as peace in the relationship is brought back, 'sorry' is a very small price to pay for it.

There is a very beautiful quote I read, " Words are like bricks, you can build a wall or a bridge, the choice is yours." It is so true in this case. Holding onto one's ego, and refusing to apologise, can do more harm than the original fight itself; it leaves an impression of indifference.

Using our words well, and apologising are very important. Infact, apologising requires a lot of courage. Only acceptance of one's errors, can make a person apologise in a heartfelt manner.

And yet...and yet, you'll never know!

I'll be smiling when you see me,

the tears will never show,

I'll be hurting in every way,

and Yet, you'll never know.

My heart in a million pieces,

broken, and strewn everywhere,

hurling accuses at me,

all the way,

and Yet, you'll never witness,

my heart bearing stiches.

Angst will envelope me,

hold me cold and deep,

unfetching, and all in vain,

saddened by the treachery, so coy.

and Yet, you'll never suspect,

anything out of normal,

amiss or short.

Yet, I'll always love you,

but, You my dear, shall Never know.

P.S: Inspiration drawn for this poem from a few lines composed by Manmeet Singh, my friend from class 12.

Cheated on..

It hurt to even think about it.

I wondered, how long would it take me to get over this? Would I always find myself in tears thinking about it? Or worse, would I just stubbornly shut it all up in one corner of my brain, and never visit it again? Would I be able to do that? Or would I erupt with emotions like a volcano, unable to bottle up too much?

Nobody had ever told me it would feel like this. Nobody had prepared me for this one. Nobody ever even thought that it would happen to me. Anybody but me. We were easily the most ideal couple known to friends. Probably, that’s the reason we didn’t last. Ideal relationships don’t exist.

Our love story had been something right out of a Hindi movie, very dramatic. I had first laid my eyes on him during a dance workshop in my college. I was in the first year of college then, and he was in his final year. You could call it love at first sight. He looked like a Greek God to me. Those beautiful hazel eyes, the straight aristocratic nose, and the dimpled smile. He had completely swept me off my feet. The next day, he asked me out on a date. We hit off instantly. Every waking moment was in his company. After I graduated, he approached my parents. Things didn’t go down too well with them, we were of different castes. After a year, I did manage to convince my parents, but they’d made it plain that they’d have nothing to do with me after the wedding. I was dead to them.

Looking back at the way I thought we loved each other, and how much in love we were. It had been very difficult for me to believe that he had done this to me.

Somebody should gift me a self-help guide, which would probably go along the lines of "Rulebook for dumped, cheated-on wives."

For the first one month, my brain was filled with only one question. "Why?"
I was young, beautiful, intelligent, qualified, and sexy. I had been married to Amar, just over three years, when I found out about his extra curricular activities.

I had happened to come home early one winter afternoon, and found her in my silk robe, on his lap.

I was enraged, broken and felt betrayed. I could almost taste the hate and anger running through my body in my veins. I immediately filed for divorce, and he was more than happy to let go of me.

I always had very strong beliefs about adultery and the breach of trust in a marriage. For me, it was the worst thing a person could do to another. Nothing was worse than lying to a person who trusted and loved you the most. It was worse than murder. Murder just crumples the body; treachery crumples a person’s heart, rendering them unable to feel anything. Total numbness prevails.

Her name was Anita. At first, they were just colleagues at office. Later, "good friends". There were even times when we three would hang out together. Now thinking about it made me feel like, at all those get-togethers, Amar and Anita were always just silently laughing at how foolish I was. Unable to see, what they were doing to my life. They must’ve found it very amusing; I was tying the noose around my own neck without even knowing about it.
　
It’s been a year now, since I found out. I still find it difficult to think about it. It hurts. I know that my heart is somewhat mended, taped up to hold it together, but you can still see the cracks in it.

I doubt if I will fall in love ever again. I doubt if I will ever trust again.

But I also had beliefs about the way God functioned. When he closed a door in your face, he also opened a window to your back.