You

A swell rise inside me,
only peaks abundant,
like a thousand fluttering fireflies.
The lights, fairy like,
ebbing in continuum.
I struggle to make sense,
wrestle to find labels, words and tags.
So many,
come to mind, yet none do snugly fit.
One could cipher happiness,
correctly so,
but only part of a whole,
I'd point out.
Some nostalgia thrown in too,
a solitary tear trickling,
a smile playing upon my lips,
music long forgotten,
a song etched into my soul.
Sense of accomplishment galore,
a pinch of pride too.
The realization of Lady luck's benevolence,
a silent prayer to the stars.
Finding love, and knowing it,
enough to drown myself in,
and yet yearn to drown some more.
Try as hard as I may, words elude,
almost as if Medusa's gaze invaded my mind.
Although, Ask my bleeding heart,
And with vigor it will repeat: You.

Letting go and Finding oneself

(Source:http://upliftconnect.com/letting-go-of-attachment/)

As I lay awake one night, tossing and turning in bed as I often do when I am unable to fall asleep; a thought struck me. Was letting go such a bad thing? What if as I let go of a person or a relationship, and in the same moment, get a glimpse of myself, an epiphany? Would that be a win or loss ?

The answer I came up with, was a surprising one.

Firstly, What is the need to let go of something or someone in life ?

In order to answer this question, I'd like to think of people as energies. Some people enter life like a breath of fresh air, and stay on without becoming stale, while others end up becoming stale and suffocate. While others, enter it with rain, gale, hail et al, and take it by storm, teach me the lesson I am to learn, and leave as suddenly as they came. To put it plainly, some people bring about a lot of positive energy with every interaction. Time spent with them makes me feel good, and helps me grow, while others sap me of energy. Without any disrespect to any person living or dead, I'd say that there are many people who drain me of all energy. Time spent with such people makes me miserable, and I find myself dreading every encounter with them, absolutely toxic.This is when I know that it is time to let go.

Letting go is a painful process. Trust me. It pains me a lot to let go of people; some of whom I loved (or love) dearly. I feel like someone's wringing my heart with all their might, with the intent to pulverise. But, I realised the hard way, that letting go is a process one must indulge in.It's not a place I'd go to willingly, but it is one that I must visit periodically. And as cold and heartless as it might sound, once a person stops aiding the path to growth in life, they must be let go. True, that it is not kind to hurt another person in that way, but there is no greater sin than self harm. Self preservation is of prime importance over here.

So, it is safe to say that letting go of toxic people and things in life is a win.

Secondly, What is knowledge of self ?

In my opinion, the knowledge of self is the most coveted knowledge of all. Knowing oneself propels a person onto a path of grown that is of incredible clarity. It maximises the person's purpose in life, as well as an instrument to serve society. As much as I'd like to believe that most of my actions are emotionally driven, it is true that there exists a rational root behind every emotion. Identifying this rational thought behind emotions and subsequent action, helps to understand oneself better. Once a person knows themselves well, the path forward becomes exceedingly clear. Acceptance of oneself, and identifying the shortfalls, helps a person know where they need to correct themselves.

I believe that knowledge of the past prepares us for what the future has to bring. Thus it is imperative to introspect upon the happenings of the past, and keep the lessons learnt close to the heart. There is no formula as such to win in life. However, the lessons of the past coupled with the knowledge of self, help dispel at least a fraction of the uncertainly of how to take life by the horns.

Thus, knowledge of self, even a glimpse of it, is a win.

Lastly, What if the letting go of someone, leads to a glimpse of oneself?

Once I let go of people who hold me back in life, I feel like the roller coaster of emotions that take hold of me, spin me into a spiral of thinking and introspection. I get to understand what I crave for in life. I feel like a small part of the path I am to take in life, has been uncovered. I understand clearly, what it is that I want ( or atleast don't want), both from myself and the people around me. This once again puts me onto the path of self discovery. A win once again.

So to conclude, letting go is painful, but it is something that needs to be done nevertheless; if it comes with a glimpse of self discovery, it's worth it. So a win, through and through.

Just like Waves

Like every other poet-ess of my time, I believe that the best expression of my thoughts is through my poetry. So, here is one to talk about my state of mind at the moment.

Just as waves do,

They surge, they ebb.

High and mighty,

Ascending to dizzying heights,

Low, and down below,

Drowning to the sinking abyss.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

Just like the sand.

A clean slate,

Waiting for the imprints,

Of the myriard laughs you bring.

As your feet dig in,

A memory is sown.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

Just like the shells,

Scattered about.

Some oyster like,

Holding pearls of happiness within.

Priceless.

Others hollow and empty,

Worthless.

Ensuing one misery,

After the other.

Such is the journey

Called Life.

Just like the Sun,

Sinking for the day into

The black depths of the ocean.

Ascertaining, the value of every ray.

Soon to be extinguished.

With the promise of a come back,

Once again,

Again and again.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

A Friend in Need

 I had just showered. As I dried my damp hair, I walked into my closet. I ran my hand over the various ensembles I could put together. I studied my reflection in the mirror as I had done every morning.  An off white blouse, with a dark grey skirt, or perhaps a mustard yellow blouse with a navy blue skirt- one of them would surely do the trick, for the client presentation today. My clients were all I lived for after I’d started working as an Analyst for a financial firm. Don’t get me wrong. I loved my job. It kept me on my toes, and still excited me after four years. The downside was my dwindling social life. I hardly had the time to keep in touch with my old friends, let alone, make new ones.

 The mustard yellow blouse appealed to me today. After a quick breakfast, I examined my final look in the mirror. I hurried down the stairs; I was running late, again.  As I approached my car in the parking space across the road, I noticed that something was not quite right. I could see flies hovering around on the inside of the car. That was not possible; Unless, the window of the car was broken! Indeed, the passenger’s the side window was broken. Powdered glass debris lay scattered all over the seat. I moved cautiously towards the driver’s side of vehicle in a state of shock, prepared for the worst. That’s when I saw the worst of it: the dashboard had been vandalized! The custom made stereo system, along with the speakers had been pulled out- wires et al.

 I was dazed. I had only heard of car theft. I had no idea what was supposed to be done when confronted with something like this. I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks, and the sobs escaping my mouth in between gulps of air. I felt defeated, alone.That’s when my neighbor, for the better part of the last one month approached me. I remember him handing me a bottle of water to drink, as he patted my back, uttering reassurances of “there, there”.  He then proceeded to take a look at my car, taking in the damage.

 “Is your car insured?” he asked me, “Oh yes! It is.” I answered, suddenly realizing that I could put in a claim for more than half of this damage. I heaved a sigh of relief. The situation was redeemable! He then proceeded to ask me whether I had reported the theft to the police, and then explained the procedure with the insurance company. He even offered to drive me to the police station and the insurance company office in his vehicle. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you wrap this up. I know a couple of people down at the station”, he said.

 I felt blessed to have him beside me on that day. He was true to his word. He not only drove me to the station and insurance company, but also took care of all the other paper work, just taking my signatures on the dotted lines. We even grabbed a pizza along the way; he had turned this adversity into a picnic! He was an angel in disguise for me that day. He spent an entire day helping someone he hardly knew; to ease their distress. He made me believe that humanity wasn’t dead, that all the world needed to become a better place was more people like him.

 “Hey! I completely forgot to ask you. What’s your name?” I asked him as we just pulled up into his parking spot. “I’m Krish”, he said extending his hand to shake. “I’m Siya”, I said drawing him into a hug. I’d made a new friend.  

The Birthday

Tomorrow would be a very special day for me. A day that came just once every year; my birthday. I would finally turn ten years old. I would be a big girl! I could almost taste the excitement on my tongue. I would wake up to the sound of the puja bell as usual. Alka didi would bring me the set of colourful new clothes that I had picked last week. Kaka would get ladoos for all of us. Best of all, I would go to the mandir to pray, and meet my grandmother for some time. She was the only one who had wanted to know that I was well.

Alka didi had taken me and Munni to the bazaar so that we both could pick the colours in which we wanted our birthday kameezes. This was a very special outing for us. New clothes were a privilege, bestowed upon us only once a year.

I had relished this special outing for as long as I could remember. Alka didi would walk us out onto the main road, where she would hail a three-wheeled rickshaw. We would scramble onto the rickshaw, and breathe in the sights, smells and sounds of the city around us. The ice lollies from the carts came in so many vivid shades, they had to be very tasty. The corn on the cob, roasted golden made my mouth water. The deep fried potato curry stuffed samosas yanked at my growling stomach, and the puffed rice masalas, took my yearning to a different level.

However, Munni and I had long learned that, these were just like our new clothes: privileges. We had learnt not to clamour for them.  We were taught to be grateful to our Didis. We were taught that we were lucky to even be alive, and well. Nobody had wanted us. Our parents had either thrown us into dumpsters, or left us at the doorstep of the House. Since then, the Didis had taken care of all our needs. We had enough to eat, we were educated at the school, and were taught skills to help us survive in the world outside. There were forty-five of us altogether in this house. Unlike most people who celebrated their birthdays on the days that they were born on; we celebrated our birthdays on the days when we were found by the Didis.

 This day, this year, was indeed very special. It was the day I was wanted by someone. My grandmother finally came for me, and took me back home.

Even today, 20 years later, when I think back to that special day, I grow misty eyed. I was one of the lucky ones to have been found by the didis, who had been adopting and supporting orphan girls, in the city. Those first ten years of my life could have gone horribly wrong if it were not for them.

Hide and Seek

Hide and seek.
Don't play hide and seek now,
the sun's about to sign off
for the day,
the moon's walking in,
our way.
I am tired now,
worried too,
Come on, come out, wherever you are,
stop making me run about,
I aint so young anymore, you see.
my sight's faltering,
and steps uncertain,
come on, come out, reveal yourself now.
why do you play,
so much in the dark, I say.
Show me yourself now,
Can't wait anymore.
You've made me weary in the day,
and hazy vision in the night,
Expose yourself,
and show me the way now.
You know,
you're the only respite,
to take me forward.
So, come on, come out, wherever you are!
Lead me away,
from these shadows,
show me the path of light,
bright and shiny.
Fill me,
with what you promised.
Hope.
Hope to live on,
move on,
achieve more,
bring sense,
meaningful.
Come on, come out, wherever you are!