You

A swell rise inside me,
only peaks abundant,
like a thousand fluttering fireflies.
The lights, fairy like,
ebbing in continuum.
I struggle to make sense,
wrestle to find labels, words and tags.
So many,
come to mind, yet none do snugly fit.
One could cipher happiness,
correctly so,
but only part of a whole,
I'd point out.
Some nostalgia thrown in too,
a solitary tear trickling,
a smile playing upon my lips,
music long forgotten,
a song etched into my soul.
Sense of accomplishment galore,
a pinch of pride too.
The realization of Lady luck's benevolence,
a silent prayer to the stars.
Finding love, and knowing it,
enough to drown myself in,
and yet yearn to drown some more.
Try as hard as I may, words elude,
almost as if Medusa's gaze invaded my mind.
Although, Ask my bleeding heart,
And with vigor it will repeat: You.

The Story till now - Shree :- Part 2

SHREE

I don’t get even a wink of sleep before the night of the travel. I lie awake with all sorts of morbid thoughts running through my mind about how awfully wrong my journey could go. This not only goes on when I travel, but also when my loved ones do. This was one of those nights. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the different ways in which we wouldn’t meet each other’s expectations. Perhaps it would be hate at first sight. I had been obsessing over this ever since he had confirmed his trip to seal the deal.  My mind kept racing back to the first time my father had shared his profile with me.

“I’m sick of all these NRI engineers Papa! They’re all the same. Not an ounce of grey matter and boring as hell.”

“Come now Sheeru. Just speak to him once. If you don’t like how he sounds, we’ll politely decline their alliance. Ek try toh banta hai beta.”

And that is how it all began. I reasoned that I had nothing to lose by speaking to the guy once. What could one harmless conversation do? I found out the very next day; I was floored the first time I spoke to him. There was something the way he spoke. It seemed so easy to let go and say whatever was really on my mind. If you knew me, you’d understand how difficult it was for me to open up to new people. I mostly feel like I am speaking in a language different from the one that people around me understand. It felt great to have someone who finally got me! Somehow, he didn’t feel new. He felt vaguely familiar, and I took to him quite easily. I sometimes felt like he could even read my mind. I connected to him at a level that I hadn’t with anyone else before. It felt perfect, may be too perfect.

However, I had a very ominous feeling about this whole affair. It seemed too good to last. I was hoping against hope over here, for this to pan out. The last couple of years were easily my toughest ones. I had tasted failure with everything that I had touched. I wasn’t unhappy with my life, don’t misunderstand me. I was every grateful for everything that had been bestowed upon me; I just felt like I wasn’t ever enough for it all. And somehow, this incredibly familiar stranger had made me feel enough and more. He brought out emotions in me that I had kept locked up for years now. The ease that I felt around him had made me even confess my deepest darkest desires to him. He made me happier than I had ever been, and this was even before I’d laid my eyes upon him.

“Don’t worry Sheeru. It’ll all go well beta. Just have faith.”

“I know Papa. It’s just that everything seems so perfect. I feel like this is it. This either makes it or breaks it. I cannot even picture the emotional consequences for me if this doesn’t work out. And that scares me.”

“Sheeru. Calm down. Don’t think that just because the past has been tough on you, things will continue to be that way. Things, situations and times are constantly changing. Every day is not going to be a bad one for you. Trust your gut beta. Trust your heart. They will never lie to you about how you feel about someone. Take my advice: stop fretting about the decision, just look forward to enjoying the time you have with him. Some people come into our lives to stay, others just come in to bring us happiness, and leave. Don’t worry about which one of the two he is. Just go with the flow, and trust me your heart with take the decision for you.”

I jolted back to the now, as the hot water turned tepid. The day to take the call was here. Today would be our first date. Would it be the first of many? Would our online chemistry take fire in reality? I’d soon find out.

A Friend in Need

 I had just showered. As I dried my damp hair, I walked into my closet. I ran my hand over the various ensembles I could put together. I studied my reflection in the mirror as I had done every morning.  An off white blouse, with a dark grey skirt, or perhaps a mustard yellow blouse with a navy blue skirt- one of them would surely do the trick, for the client presentation today. My clients were all I lived for after I’d started working as an Analyst for a financial firm. Don’t get me wrong. I loved my job. It kept me on my toes, and still excited me after four years. The downside was my dwindling social life. I hardly had the time to keep in touch with my old friends, let alone, make new ones.

 The mustard yellow blouse appealed to me today. After a quick breakfast, I examined my final look in the mirror. I hurried down the stairs; I was running late, again.  As I approached my car in the parking space across the road, I noticed that something was not quite right. I could see flies hovering around on the inside of the car. That was not possible; Unless, the window of the car was broken! Indeed, the passenger’s the side window was broken. Powdered glass debris lay scattered all over the seat. I moved cautiously towards the driver’s side of vehicle in a state of shock, prepared for the worst. That’s when I saw the worst of it: the dashboard had been vandalized! The custom made stereo system, along with the speakers had been pulled out- wires et al.

 I was dazed. I had only heard of car theft. I had no idea what was supposed to be done when confronted with something like this. I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks, and the sobs escaping my mouth in between gulps of air. I felt defeated, alone.That’s when my neighbor, for the better part of the last one month approached me. I remember him handing me a bottle of water to drink, as he patted my back, uttering reassurances of “there, there”.  He then proceeded to take a look at my car, taking in the damage.

 “Is your car insured?” he asked me, “Oh yes! It is.” I answered, suddenly realizing that I could put in a claim for more than half of this damage. I heaved a sigh of relief. The situation was redeemable! He then proceeded to ask me whether I had reported the theft to the police, and then explained the procedure with the insurance company. He even offered to drive me to the police station and the insurance company office in his vehicle. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you wrap this up. I know a couple of people down at the station”, he said.

 I felt blessed to have him beside me on that day. He was true to his word. He not only drove me to the station and insurance company, but also took care of all the other paper work, just taking my signatures on the dotted lines. We even grabbed a pizza along the way; he had turned this adversity into a picnic! He was an angel in disguise for me that day. He spent an entire day helping someone he hardly knew; to ease their distress. He made me believe that humanity wasn’t dead, that all the world needed to become a better place was more people like him.

 “Hey! I completely forgot to ask you. What’s your name?” I asked him as we just pulled up into his parking spot. “I’m Krish”, he said extending his hand to shake. “I’m Siya”, I said drawing him into a hug. I’d made a new friend.  

The Birthday

Tomorrow would be a very special day for me. A day that came just once every year; my birthday. I would finally turn ten years old. I would be a big girl! I could almost taste the excitement on my tongue. I would wake up to the sound of the puja bell as usual. Alka didi would bring me the set of colourful new clothes that I had picked last week. Kaka would get ladoos for all of us. Best of all, I would go to the mandir to pray, and meet my grandmother for some time. She was the only one who had wanted to know that I was well.

Alka didi had taken me and Munni to the bazaar so that we both could pick the colours in which we wanted our birthday kameezes. This was a very special outing for us. New clothes were a privilege, bestowed upon us only once a year.

I had relished this special outing for as long as I could remember. Alka didi would walk us out onto the main road, where she would hail a three-wheeled rickshaw. We would scramble onto the rickshaw, and breathe in the sights, smells and sounds of the city around us. The ice lollies from the carts came in so many vivid shades, they had to be very tasty. The corn on the cob, roasted golden made my mouth water. The deep fried potato curry stuffed samosas yanked at my growling stomach, and the puffed rice masalas, took my yearning to a different level.

However, Munni and I had long learned that, these were just like our new clothes: privileges. We had learnt not to clamour for them.  We were taught to be grateful to our Didis. We were taught that we were lucky to even be alive, and well. Nobody had wanted us. Our parents had either thrown us into dumpsters, or left us at the doorstep of the House. Since then, the Didis had taken care of all our needs. We had enough to eat, we were educated at the school, and were taught skills to help us survive in the world outside. There were forty-five of us altogether in this house. Unlike most people who celebrated their birthdays on the days that they were born on; we celebrated our birthdays on the days when we were found by the Didis.

 This day, this year, was indeed very special. It was the day I was wanted by someone. My grandmother finally came for me, and took me back home.

Even today, 20 years later, when I think back to that special day, I grow misty eyed. I was one of the lucky ones to have been found by the didis, who had been adopting and supporting orphan girls, in the city. Those first ten years of my life could have gone horribly wrong if it were not for them.

A little something I drew for a Friend's birthday

For a friend who'd been there for me always, in my best and worst times, I felt that just buying something wouldn't give me the satisfaction. So, I decided to sit down, and sketch a little something for him, have it framed, and sent. This is what I sketched, and yes, my friend loved it :)

Know Thyself

Okay. No.

 This is plain weird. I have never ever directly typed out whatever came out of my mind, and posted it. I don't know why I feel like doing this today. I  can't point my finger at the 'why' and answer it. But I sure do know that something is amiss. I normally don't crave for so much of company. I have been quite a loner, and don't really mind my own company. Sometimes, I'd rather be alone than in someone's company. Today is different, I have absolutely no idea, why I feel this way.

 This is how it is. The mind is such a malicious thing. It makes us feel, such a variety of things and that too for no apparent sensible reason. I cannot possibly fathom the cause of this disturbance. Sometimes, I wish that we could sit face to face, and have a frank conversation with our minds to know what was exactly going on. 

Picture this: Mr.Mind and me, are sitting across the table, at a coffee shop, sipping coffee, and I ask him, "Hi mind, why are you behaving in this weird, inexplicable fashion?".

Sigh.Wish.

But then, here I am, with my laptop open, logged into blogger and typing out this article, straight from my volatile mind. It's not like I have nothing better to do. If I sat down this second to jot down all the work that I have to finish, I can assure you it'd be one really long list!

Then, Why am I here? Why am I typing this out?

I have a set of very close friends. Strangely, I don't feel like calling up any of them, and talking to them about this. Guess, this is something I want to talk to just myself about. Again, Sigh. Wish.

Well, the best way for me summarize it, is in poetry, so here goes:

Know Thyself

Are you playing with me now?

'what makes you think so?'

These moods,

those thoughts,

come on, you think

 I don't know your style?

'don't you go around,

fooling yourself this way!

knowing me, aint that easy,

you'd hope, beg and pray!'

You're the one fooling me,

confusing me,

and giving me a real tough time,

this way!

'cribbing won't take you

anyplace.

nor will engaging in a

litany.'

What else is there for me?

with you not even by my side.

Advice me, show me some

insight!

'calm down, soothe

those wild thoughts,

be aware, awaken,

take charge,

control me, let not me control you!

Know Thyself.'

Magic words, 

will they help?

'know thyself,

that's enough for all.'

Well, that answered all my questions didn't it. Simple solution, Calm down, think straight, take it slow, and most of all, know yourself. Know yourself well, and accept yourself first, for whatever you are.

Note: Everything single word in this post is truly unedited.

Arranged marriage ?

Arranged marriages. In India arranged marriages are so common, in fact 90% of marriages in India are still arranged. To an outsider, this might seem nothing short of scary!

To some people arranged marriage is a big no-no, while some consider it to be the last resort. Not able to find someone you like, or not able to make it worth with the people you do like, there you go, the arranged marriage is for you. This is not always the case. In my opinion, it is something new, something fresh, and change in life. Isn't it better to slowly eventually fall in love with the man you have married ? I'd like that, much more romantic anyday.

This video just puts my thoughts in action. Made by Nars Krishnamachari. A beautiful video.

Though this video does not actually represent the outcome or the process that every arranged marriage follows. It's a good one, and leaves you smiling to your self. 

As you like it.

" Hey ! It's been a while since we've had some time together. I am so happy you could finally make it today. So tell me how's life been ?"

"Well, I've had a good share of the highs and the lows."

"Now, that doesn't sound very happy to me. You want to talk about it?"

"I don't know. I am so confused."

" Its okay. Go on tell me. Lets figure a way out."

"Its just that you know, I have to do so much to keep this person happy. Sometimes, I don't recognise myself anymore."

"What are you saying? There is always a limit to how much you are willing to compromise. I always thought that you were a bold, outspoken and frank person. Why are you doing this to yourself now? Why not just tell the truth?"

"I just feel that, to keep them happy, I am willing to go to any level. But I do see what you mean, I feel lifeless now. I end up spending so much time in the company of people I cannot even stand the sight of. It's crazy. I also end up doing so many things that I don't like, and also not doing some of the things that I just love."

"See, every friendship, or relationship requires a little understanding, and adjustment, but this is way too much. I personally feel, that we live just once. We mustn't spend too much time doing the things that we don't like, or spend too much time with people we don't like. You just have to realise that, a person who doesn't have the ability to understand you, as you are, doesn't even deserve your time, effort or attention in anyway. So, in turn you don't actually need to compromise so much. It's not too late, don't lose yourself now."

"You know, what you're saying is so true. I realise what I am doing to myself right now. It's not even worth my time and energy. "

"It's better late than never ! I am happy that you at least are in the position to understand what is happening. See, life is too short to spend it in misery. Life is a gift, use it well. Live it well, use your abilities to the best possible end, wholeheartedly serve those who are in need, indulge in some spiritually enhancing activities. Don't waste your time on people who fail to see your worth. Happiness is a state of mind, feel consciously happy, and that's when you'll be able to spread it to people around you. Always only indulge in activities that keep you happy. Simple rule in life."

"I understand, this is just what I needed to know. Thanks so much for being there."

" Don't say that ! It's for things like this that, friends like me exist."

Thoughts.

Everything happens for a reason,
they say.
Mind, nevertheless,
constructs, and destructs,
fantasies, like no other.
If, only we had lasted.
What, If we hadn't met?
If, I was younger.
If, I was older.
If, I had only known, back then.
Would, life be any different?
Can the mind predict?
Did, I really know back then?
If, I had,
would I still have done the same.
Things would change, If I hadn't?
Am I happier?
Was I sadder?
Am, I lying now?
Was, I lying then?
Regret? Pain? Suffering?
Contentment? Love? Happiness?

Stop!
Think straight.
The Truth.
What am I feeling?
I know,
Relief.

Is it worth it?
Totally is.

Sorry?

I had been a little apprehensive about the use of the word 'Sorry'. It is usually used very flippantly. People believe that one word is enough to erase all the hurt, and misgivings. Unfortunately, it takes a lot to say 'Sorry' and actually mean it. There are hardly any people left on this planet who say it, only when they mean it.

Sorry, is a word with a truck load of value, was my perception all along. But then, a thought struck me recently. By saying 'sorry' if peace is attained, or if 'sorry' saves a relationship, what is the harm in doing so? A story to demonstrate the same.

My best friend is like any other best friend. She is my confidante, and my guide. I turn to her for every problem that takes place in my life. Now, it so happened, that me and her had a huge argument about a play that we were to stage in school. We both said a lot of hurtful things to each other. Each of us was very upset by the other's behaviour. I kept my feelings to myself, and felt guilty for days together. Me, and her had stopped talking to each other, and even if we did, it was just some niceties. It was she who made the first step, she came to me one day after class, and gave me small 'sorry' card. That was it. We were back to being friends again. It was then that I noted that, both of us were guilty of hurting each other, but her thoughtfulness, had helped us get back together again.

It was then that I felt that in a disagreement it doesn't matter who apologises first. Friendship, love, and relationships are more important than the act of apologising. As long as peace in the relationship is brought back, 'sorry' is a very small price to pay for it.

There is a very beautiful quote I read, " Words are like bricks, you can build a wall or a bridge, the choice is yours." It is so true in this case. Holding onto one's ego, and refusing to apologise, can do more harm than the original fight itself; it leaves an impression of indifference.

Using our words well, and apologising are very important. Infact, apologising requires a lot of courage. Only acceptance of one's errors, can make a person apologise in a heartfelt manner.

Love you more than..

Love you more that words can say,

your presence makes me feel so gay,

You taught me to love with all my heart,

So much that its now impossible to part.

I love you in more ways that i can count,

But if i do, i know it'll amount,

more than the distance between the earth and the space,

more than the scent of roses in a vase,

Like the immeasurable water in the ocean,

like none created by even the most powerful potion,

Life is life to me if lived,
with you beside me, or equal to dead.

Love you more that words can say,
your presence makes me feel so gay.