The Story till now - Rishav:- Part 1

RISHAV

I have severe travel anxiety. I absolutely hate flights. I am someone who hates the journey in an elevator from the ground floor to the first floor, a flight journey was so much more than what I could endure. Imagine being shut in an aluminum tin for 26 long hours; the noise, the turbulence, the bad food, lack of sleep- all deterrents. Not to mention my hatred of airports; loud noisy places, too crowded for my taste. I couldn’t wait for this arduous journey to come to an end. A small voice in my head kept asking me if all this was worth it.

“She is perfect Rishav. I can’t see one thing in her that should make you think twice. You’re the one who told us that she’s one of the few people who gets you. Trust me on this. She’s the One.”

This argument, accompanied by an anxious stare from my mother, made me plan the trip to go meet her and take a decision once and for all. There could be no more dilly-dallying. I had been speaking to her almost every day for the last 2 months.

Talking to her was immensely difficult, and exceedingly easy . I constantly felt like there was an impregnable wall around her, as if I was not getting through to what she really was. Every conversation with her was the same. It wasn’t that she wasn’t intelligent, interesting or articulate. She got me like no one else had in the past. She had a great sense of humor, and the ability to turn even the most boring conversations into fun. However, the wall around her bothered me. She seemed too cautious, why? I had no clue. I felt connected nevertheless. There was just something about her. The mystery was too alluring to pass up.

As much as I hoped, against hope that this was it; this was the girl I was going to marry, my past kept holding me back. The pain was too much to bear. The pain of expecting and then being let down. The pain of loving with all your heart, only for It to be torn to shreds. The pain of giving everything you had and more, only to receive nothing in return. The pain of watching the one you would die for, not even flinch as you bled out. This was what I had been through. It had been a rough couple of years for me. I had been beaten, bruised and battered, so much that I felt mostly empty. A shadow of the person I used to be. This was a time when I was beginning to worry if love and companionship were for me. A commitment such as marriage seemed almost alien.

“Rishav, The past should stay where it belongs. Don’t let it ruin whatever life has in store for you.  It has been three long years since then. It is time to move on. We fall in love many many times in life. Some of which is workable, sometimes not. When we do, and the other person also does, and when it is workable, that is a long term association. That is called marriage. You need to give yourself and life a chance.”

“I am aware.”

“Your actions however, don’t suggest so. You have turned down every proposal in the past one year, without even bothering to speak to any of the girls properly. This cannot go on forever. Life is about trying and failing, and then trying again till you succeed. What are you punishing yourself for? Everything that happens to you is not always in your control. You need to let life take you places at times.”

“I cannot be like a dead fish in a stream, Dad. You know that.”

“I am not asking you to be a dead fish in a stream. I am just asking you to swim with the current at the moment, instead of trying so hard to swim against it. We want you to be happy Rishav, and this is clearly not making any of us happy, and we know it. Let us not kid ourselves. You are miserable, and seeing you like this makes us miserable. Just sitting here and mourning the loss of something long gone, is not going to help you. You need to pick yourself up and do something about it. Things don’t mend themselves, you need to put in the effort to make it happen too.”

“I know. But, I am not afraid to make things work. Perhaps, I am tired of trying; of staying strong.”

I got jolted back to the now, as the flight thudded onto the runway. I gathered my thoughts and grabbed my bag. The D-day was here. I would know for sure by the end of today.