Land

I had not known of this,

Till you came walking into my life.

Taught me to love, without thought.

Made it colourful, you did,

Filled each minute with beautiful

Memories to live by.

But, you had to leave didn’t you?

Your land needed you,

Leaving me to alone, waiting for you,

By the door.

I waited, oh yes I did,

I knew you were in each thought of mine,

As I was in yours.

Your letters gave me courage,

I knew you were fine,

They smelt of you and the land,

Both one and the same now.

I felt your arms embrace me once more,

A dream but it was, blissful, serene, peaceful.

Breathtaking to have felt your perfect self,

But broken it was, like a bubble.

You did not return, but time passed

For everyone but me,

I was still there at the door,

Waiting as always.

One day, I saw you.

I’m sure I did.

It was you in a coffin, decorated with

Honors I knew not of.

I thought you belonged to me,

But no, you belonged to the land,

Land that had brought about your being.

land that had brought us together,

land that was now tearing us apart for good.

As you like it.

" Hey ! It's been a while since we've had some time together. I am so happy you could finally make it today. So tell me how's life been ?"

"Well, I've had a good share of the highs and the lows."

"Now, that doesn't sound very happy to me. You want to talk about it?"

"I don't know. I am so confused."

" Its okay. Go on tell me. Lets figure a way out."

"Its just that you know, I have to do so much to keep this person happy. Sometimes, I don't recognise myself anymore."

"What are you saying? There is always a limit to how much you are willing to compromise. I always thought that you were a bold, outspoken and frank person. Why are you doing this to yourself now? Why not just tell the truth?"

"I just feel that, to keep them happy, I am willing to go to any level. But I do see what you mean, I feel lifeless now. I end up spending so much time in the company of people I cannot even stand the sight of. It's crazy. I also end up doing so many things that I don't like, and also not doing some of the things that I just love."

"See, every friendship, or relationship requires a little understanding, and adjustment, but this is way too much. I personally feel, that we live just once. We mustn't spend too much time doing the things that we don't like, or spend too much time with people we don't like. You just have to realise that, a person who doesn't have the ability to understand you, as you are, doesn't even deserve your time, effort or attention in anyway. So, in turn you don't actually need to compromise so much. It's not too late, don't lose yourself now."

"You know, what you're saying is so true. I realise what I am doing to myself right now. It's not even worth my time and energy. "

"It's better late than never ! I am happy that you at least are in the position to understand what is happening. See, life is too short to spend it in misery. Life is a gift, use it well. Live it well, use your abilities to the best possible end, wholeheartedly serve those who are in need, indulge in some spiritually enhancing activities. Don't waste your time on people who fail to see your worth. Happiness is a state of mind, feel consciously happy, and that's when you'll be able to spread it to people around you. Always only indulge in activities that keep you happy. Simple rule in life."

"I understand, this is just what I needed to know. Thanks so much for being there."

" Don't say that ! It's for things like this that, friends like me exist."

Thoughts.

Everything happens for a reason,
they say.
Mind, nevertheless,
constructs, and destructs,
fantasies, like no other.
If, only we had lasted.
What, If we hadn't met?
If, I was younger.
If, I was older.
If, I had only known, back then.
Would, life be any different?
Can the mind predict?
Did, I really know back then?
If, I had,
would I still have done the same.
Things would change, If I hadn't?
Am I happier?
Was I sadder?
Am, I lying now?
Was, I lying then?
Regret? Pain? Suffering?
Contentment? Love? Happiness?

Stop!
Think straight.
The Truth.
What am I feeling?
I know,
Relief.

Is it worth it?
Totally is.

Dreams in Prussian Blue- A Review

It is breezy, light, and meaningful. It is an excellent read, and an absolute page turner.

I am talking about Paritosh Uttam's maiden novel 'Dreams in Prussian Blue'.

Naina is the protagonist of the book. The book revolves around the lives of Naina, and her live-in boyfriend, and college art genius Michael Agnello.

Naina and Michael are both students at the Fine Arts college in Mumbai. Head over heels in love with Michael, Naina drops out of college with him, leaving behind her family and way of life. It is only after a while that she realises that life is not at all a bed of roses. All Michael is interested in doing is painting through the night. He refuses to share any of the other responsibilities at home, cranky and irresponsible most of the time. Naina struggles with many odd jobs, providing everything for Michael, including his painting supplies. Naina also works hard to get Michael some kind of recognition as a painting genius. The lack of Michael's cooperation on anything leads to failure in every aspect. Just when Naina's patience wears thin, and she is all set to leave Michael, tragedy intervenes. Michael loses his eyesight in an accident, and Naina is back to where she began in the first place. As she struggles to make both ends meet, and Michael happy, she has transcended to becoming a liar, and a cheat.

Will Michael ever forgive her for what she has done to him? Will she be able to forgive Michael, for pushing her to such ends? Or will there be two separate personal tragedies?

The novel is fast paced, and breezy. It delivers just what it promises to be, a Metro read. It goes to show the various nuances in the lives of live-in couples. It shows the consequences of rushing into any relationship without rational thought. It efficiently displays the sorrow, and despair prevailing in such life. It showcases the fact that a person with a passion, like art cannot be capable of adjusting in any other occupation. Blue seems to be the central theme of the book, as it is evident in the title. Whether it is Naina who is blue with sorrow, or Michael who in his blindness, cannot see anything else.

Almost throughout the book, the reader is sympathetic towards Naina. Naina has put all her dreams on hold for Michael's sake, who is insensitive to her needs, feelings or dreams. It is commendable that a male writer has been able to empathise so well, with what a woman goes through in such situations. What one must remember is that Michael is also a victim here, but merely of the circumstances. His views on life and materialism, though indifferent, ring the bell of truth.

The narrative technique is good. The time frame constantly shifts from the present to the past and back. It is something fresh, but definitely not something that is unheard of. It is character central. The characters have been dealt with very well.

It is fast paced, and leaves you dwelling upon the realities of life, as we know it. A good read.

Happiness :D

I never knew this feeling.

mind racing,

almost giddy,

almost heady,

my fingers tingling,

shivering a bit, but mainly tingling.

Stomach upside down,

light, full of butterflies.

eyes laughing,

twinkling all the while.

Feet, tapping to the music,

dancing to the music,

in my ears!

My lips streched,

into something more than a smile,

less than a laugh.

My heart seems full,

yet utterly weightless.

Is this what they call happiness?

I have heard so,

now, believe its true.

Sorry?

I had been a little apprehensive about the use of the word 'Sorry'. It is usually used very flippantly. People believe that one word is enough to erase all the hurt, and misgivings. Unfortunately, it takes a lot to say 'Sorry' and actually mean it. There are hardly any people left on this planet who say it, only when they mean it.

Sorry, is a word with a truck load of value, was my perception all along. But then, a thought struck me recently. By saying 'sorry' if peace is attained, or if 'sorry' saves a relationship, what is the harm in doing so? A story to demonstrate the same.

My best friend is like any other best friend. She is my confidante, and my guide. I turn to her for every problem that takes place in my life. Now, it so happened, that me and her had a huge argument about a play that we were to stage in school. We both said a lot of hurtful things to each other. Each of us was very upset by the other's behaviour. I kept my feelings to myself, and felt guilty for days together. Me, and her had stopped talking to each other, and even if we did, it was just some niceties. It was she who made the first step, she came to me one day after class, and gave me small 'sorry' card. That was it. We were back to being friends again. It was then that I noted that, both of us were guilty of hurting each other, but her thoughtfulness, had helped us get back together again.

It was then that I felt that in a disagreement it doesn't matter who apologises first. Friendship, love, and relationships are more important than the act of apologising. As long as peace in the relationship is brought back, 'sorry' is a very small price to pay for it.

There is a very beautiful quote I read, " Words are like bricks, you can build a wall or a bridge, the choice is yours." It is so true in this case. Holding onto one's ego, and refusing to apologise, can do more harm than the original fight itself; it leaves an impression of indifference.

Using our words well, and apologising are very important. Infact, apologising requires a lot of courage. Only acceptance of one's errors, can make a person apologise in a heartfelt manner.

And yet...and yet, you'll never know!

I'll be smiling when you see me,

the tears will never show,

I'll be hurting in every way,

and Yet, you'll never know.

My heart in a million pieces,

broken, and strewn everywhere,

hurling accuses at me,

all the way,

and Yet, you'll never witness,

my heart bearing stiches.

Angst will envelope me,

hold me cold and deep,

unfetching, and all in vain,

saddened by the treachery, so coy.

and Yet, you'll never suspect,

anything out of normal,

amiss or short.

Yet, I'll always love you,

but, You my dear, shall Never know.

P.S: Inspiration drawn for this poem from a few lines composed by Manmeet Singh, my friend from class 12.

Cheated on..

It hurt to even think about it.

I wondered, how long would it take me to get over this? Would I always find myself in tears thinking about it? Or worse, would I just stubbornly shut it all up in one corner of my brain, and never visit it again? Would I be able to do that? Or would I erupt with emotions like a volcano, unable to bottle up too much?

Nobody had ever told me it would feel like this. Nobody had prepared me for this one. Nobody ever even thought that it would happen to me. Anybody but me. We were easily the most ideal couple known to friends. Probably, that’s the reason we didn’t last. Ideal relationships don’t exist.

Our love story had been something right out of a Hindi movie, very dramatic. I had first laid my eyes on him during a dance workshop in my college. I was in the first year of college then, and he was in his final year. You could call it love at first sight. He looked like a Greek God to me. Those beautiful hazel eyes, the straight aristocratic nose, and the dimpled smile. He had completely swept me off my feet. The next day, he asked me out on a date. We hit off instantly. Every waking moment was in his company. After I graduated, he approached my parents. Things didn’t go down too well with them, we were of different castes. After a year, I did manage to convince my parents, but they’d made it plain that they’d have nothing to do with me after the wedding. I was dead to them.

Looking back at the way I thought we loved each other, and how much in love we were. It had been very difficult for me to believe that he had done this to me.

Somebody should gift me a self-help guide, which would probably go along the lines of "Rulebook for dumped, cheated-on wives."

For the first one month, my brain was filled with only one question. "Why?"
I was young, beautiful, intelligent, qualified, and sexy. I had been married to Amar, just over three years, when I found out about his extra curricular activities.

I had happened to come home early one winter afternoon, and found her in my silk robe, on his lap.

I was enraged, broken and felt betrayed. I could almost taste the hate and anger running through my body in my veins. I immediately filed for divorce, and he was more than happy to let go of me.

I always had very strong beliefs about adultery and the breach of trust in a marriage. For me, it was the worst thing a person could do to another. Nothing was worse than lying to a person who trusted and loved you the most. It was worse than murder. Murder just crumples the body; treachery crumples a person’s heart, rendering them unable to feel anything. Total numbness prevails.

Her name was Anita. At first, they were just colleagues at office. Later, "good friends". There were even times when we three would hang out together. Now thinking about it made me feel like, at all those get-togethers, Amar and Anita were always just silently laughing at how foolish I was. Unable to see, what they were doing to my life. They must’ve found it very amusing; I was tying the noose around my own neck without even knowing about it.
　
It’s been a year now, since I found out. I still find it difficult to think about it. It hurts. I know that my heart is somewhat mended, taped up to hold it together, but you can still see the cracks in it.

I doubt if I will fall in love ever again. I doubt if I will ever trust again.

But I also had beliefs about the way God functioned. When he closed a door in your face, he also opened a window to your back.

Amy Kumar-A thinking Dancer

Q. How did your journey with Kuchipudi begin?

A: Well, I don’t know how to put it as a journey. It all happened ten years back, I was in the 5^th standard and I always loved dancing. It wasn’t kuchipudi as such because I come from a Christian background, and Classical dance wasn’t something that was introduced to me by my family. It so happened that I was at my Father’s Office in Habsiguda(Hyderabad), and there was a Dance institute in the adjacent house. I saw children dancing, and asked my mother to take me there, and that’s how it started.

Q. How important a role does your family play in this successful journey of yours?

A: According to me, Family plays a very important role in anything you do in life, dancing in particular. I say this because I have seen a lot of people give up this art form because of lack of family support. In a lot of families, people are against dance itself, because of the elements of its past, like the Devadasi system, where girls used to dance in temples, or the mujras of the north etc. Thus for a lot of reasons people don’t appreciate classical dance. Thus Family support is very important. Even more so, because like every other field, even this one has a lot of politics, and other testing times. I consider myself very lucky to have had the support of my family at all times. Before, I realised my interest in dance, my parents realised it. Not just my parents but also my extended family, my grandparents, my uncles and aunts, they always came for all my shows. I’ve been very lucky that way. On a scale of 1 to 100, I would give them 101.

Q. Tell us some more about your Guru, and do tell us that which feature of hers inspires you the most.

A: I learnt my basics from Mr.Raghavachary and later pursued dance under the tutelage Mrs. Krishna Bharathi for five years.

My present guru is Dr. Anupama Kailash, she holds a PhD in Classical Dance. She is very young compared to other gurus in the city. She’s a very easy person to deal with, especially for youngsters, because she comes down to our level, she thinks at our level and then interacts. She’s very different from the usual traditional gurus, even the way she teaches is different from the traditional way of teaching dance. The way she tries to relate things to us, especially when she is choreographing, or when she’s teaching she makes it a little more interesting. Best thing about her is that she makes us understand the meaning of what we’re dancing, the theory and everything. I truly love her for everything that I have learnt from her.

One thing that I really admire about her is her creativity. It is very evident when we see a work of hers, that there is always something different, something new in it. She puts in a lot of effort to do something different from the same old items, and dances. She is able to relate to the happenings around us today, and put that into the dance form. She’s very contemporary, and a thinking dancer.

Q. What do you mean by a thinking dancer?

A: Well, It means that she always takes some time to do a proper research about the topic, and theory upon which she is to perform, and then choreographs. For example, two years back we did this ballet called ‘Krishnam Vande Jagat Gurum’. Even before she started the choreography, she took about 2-3 months to do some research about Lord Krishna, and thus many unknown aspects of Krishna were brought out in that ballet. A Lot of theory has gone into it, not only the dance, but also the lyrics and vocal aspect. I don’t say that such dancers are completely absent, but such people are very few.

Q. You’ve had the rare opportunity of performing with a doyen of Kuchipudi like Dr. Swapnasundari. How much do you value that opportunity, and how has it impacted your dance?

A: Well, Dr.Swapnasundari garu is an amazing person. She is full of knowledge, a fantastic choreographer, and dancer and you could say that there is an aura of knowledge radiating from her. The first time that I met her, I was scared, because it was very evident that she is a Padmabhushan. She knows what she’s worth and proud of it too. That’s one of the things that I learnt from her. I had taken part in a ballet choreographed by her, and it was a very different experience from what I was used to with my Guru. The training sessions were vigorous, and that’s another thing I learnt, that no matter how big or great dancer you may become, training and practice are very important. We were with her for a month, and we would practice for at least 3-4 hours every day. She also gave us a piece to choreograph on our own, which was a great experience. We can also just watch her perform and learn. Her abhinaya(expressions) and her footwork is simply amazing. It was an amazing experience in totality, and I feel very lucky to have gotten this opportunity. I give the credit to my Guru for giving me the opportunity; it was through her that I was introduced to Dr.Swapnasundari garu.

Q. IS there anything in your life that you would like to unlearn?

A: Nothing. I’m happy with everything I have learnt, and experienced. I think that it was necessary for me to see both the good and bad aspects of things; otherwise I wouldn’t appreciate what I have. Witnessing the politics in the field, being pushed back, being called arrogant at the age of fourteen , are some of the things that I have been through, but even they have taught me a thing or two. I appreciate what I have, more now because of everything that I have experienced. I’m also happy that I learnt even some of the wrong things in dance, because, now, I look back and laugh at all that. I’m happy about everything that I have done.

Q. That’s a great attitude to carry forward in life. I also know that you’re not only an accomplished dancer, but also a Veena artiste, are you also learning Nattuvangam?

A: I will be training very soon in Nattuvangam also, as I take classes at home now. Dance is an integral part of my future and hence I will learn everything that is related to dance.

Q. You’re also teaching Kuchipudi at Tarnaka(Hyderabad), do you enjoy teaching?

A: I do enjoy teaching; it’s something that I’ve always enjoyed doing. I think it’s something that runs in my blood because both my mother and my maternal grandmother were teachers. I like sharing what little I know, and I thoroughly enjoy it.

Q. Be it being a meritorious student, a successful dancer, or a veena artiste, you’ve been there and done that. How do you manage to strike that perfect balance?

A: I don’t really know, I just do things as they come. When I’m doing a particular thing, I give it my 100%. I don’t do half baked things. We have 24 hours a day, just divide your day and give each part your 100%. The most important thing of all is Interest, and dedication. If you have the interest to do it, you will automatically give your 100% to it.

Q. What is your most defining moment?

A: There are quite a few of them, but I think that the most emotional one of them was when I did my Arangetram(Ranga Pravesham) in my 9^th standard. I was to propose the vote of thanks, and I broke down while thanking my parents. That has been recorded in a lot of people’s minds and many even remember me that way till this day. That was the day when I realised how lucky I was to have such amazing parents

There was this school competition which I participated in, when I was in my 6^th standard. It was the first time I was dancing on stage and the whole experience of getting dressed up and dancing excited me a lot. My mom at the back of her mind wanted me to win. I won the competition, and my mother was in tears.

Also, meeting so many people, artistes, being honoured and appreciated after a program.

There are many small things like this. I’m a very happy person. I’m happy with a lot of things in life. Every time I see a smile on my parent’s faces when I achieve something.

Q. As a Dancer of today, what’re your main concerns?

A: I just hope that more thinking dancers come into existence, and not stick to same old things. For instance, the way we dress in Kuchipudi, and the synchronization is not great. That’s probably one of the reasons why, when we go out of Andhra or India, Bharatnatyam is more widely known. It’s not that we don’t have it in us to be that way, but we’re just content with what we have. Thus people of our age, should try and make the effort , as it is equal to Bharatnatyam in every way.

Q. Besides, Kuchipudi, and Veena what are your other hobbies?

A: I love reading, its something I’ve started doing off late. I love spending time with my family, I’m a very family person. I love sleeping and eating. I’m like any other teenager, who loves doing the regular stuff.

Q. What is the scene in the dancing arena for other upcoming artistes?

A: It’s very good as long as you have your family’s support, a good Guru, dedication, and the readiness to face some politics. I think the opportunities are going to improve specially in Kuchipudi, as no one is ready to stand in the background for long. Everyone wants to take the centre stage. Things are definitely going to be better.

Q. What are your future plans?

A: Academically, I would want to continue with my MSc. When it comes to dance, I’m done with my BA in dance, and I wish to do my MA. Right now this is it; whatever happens later shall be seen.