You

A swell rise inside me,
only peaks abundant,
like a thousand fluttering fireflies.
The lights, fairy like,
ebbing in continuum.
I struggle to make sense,
wrestle to find labels, words and tags.
So many,
come to mind, yet none do snugly fit.
One could cipher happiness,
correctly so,
but only part of a whole,
I'd point out.
Some nostalgia thrown in too,
a solitary tear trickling,
a smile playing upon my lips,
music long forgotten,
a song etched into my soul.
Sense of accomplishment galore,
a pinch of pride too.
The realization of Lady luck's benevolence,
a silent prayer to the stars.
Finding love, and knowing it,
enough to drown myself in,
and yet yearn to drown some more.
Try as hard as I may, words elude,
almost as if Medusa's gaze invaded my mind.
Although, Ask my bleeding heart,
And with vigor it will repeat: You.

The Story till now - Shree :- Part 2

SHREE

I don’t get even a wink of sleep before the night of the travel. I lie awake with all sorts of morbid thoughts running through my mind about how awfully wrong my journey could go. This not only goes on when I travel, but also when my loved ones do. This was one of those nights. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the different ways in which we wouldn’t meet each other’s expectations. Perhaps it would be hate at first sight. I had been obsessing over this ever since he had confirmed his trip to seal the deal.  My mind kept racing back to the first time my father had shared his profile with me.

“I’m sick of all these NRI engineers Papa! They’re all the same. Not an ounce of grey matter and boring as hell.”

“Come now Sheeru. Just speak to him once. If you don’t like how he sounds, we’ll politely decline their alliance. Ek try toh banta hai beta.”

And that is how it all began. I reasoned that I had nothing to lose by speaking to the guy once. What could one harmless conversation do? I found out the very next day; I was floored the first time I spoke to him. There was something the way he spoke. It seemed so easy to let go and say whatever was really on my mind. If you knew me, you’d understand how difficult it was for me to open up to new people. I mostly feel like I am speaking in a language different from the one that people around me understand. It felt great to have someone who finally got me! Somehow, he didn’t feel new. He felt vaguely familiar, and I took to him quite easily. I sometimes felt like he could even read my mind. I connected to him at a level that I hadn’t with anyone else before. It felt perfect, may be too perfect.

However, I had a very ominous feeling about this whole affair. It seemed too good to last. I was hoping against hope over here, for this to pan out. The last couple of years were easily my toughest ones. I had tasted failure with everything that I had touched. I wasn’t unhappy with my life, don’t misunderstand me. I was every grateful for everything that had been bestowed upon me; I just felt like I wasn’t ever enough for it all. And somehow, this incredibly familiar stranger had made me feel enough and more. He brought out emotions in me that I had kept locked up for years now. The ease that I felt around him had made me even confess my deepest darkest desires to him. He made me happier than I had ever been, and this was even before I’d laid my eyes upon him.

“Don’t worry Sheeru. It’ll all go well beta. Just have faith.”

“I know Papa. It’s just that everything seems so perfect. I feel like this is it. This either makes it or breaks it. I cannot even picture the emotional consequences for me if this doesn’t work out. And that scares me.”

“Sheeru. Calm down. Don’t think that just because the past has been tough on you, things will continue to be that way. Things, situations and times are constantly changing. Every day is not going to be a bad one for you. Trust your gut beta. Trust your heart. They will never lie to you about how you feel about someone. Take my advice: stop fretting about the decision, just look forward to enjoying the time you have with him. Some people come into our lives to stay, others just come in to bring us happiness, and leave. Don’t worry about which one of the two he is. Just go with the flow, and trust me your heart with take the decision for you.”

I jolted back to the now, as the hot water turned tepid. The day to take the call was here. Today would be our first date. Would it be the first of many? Would our online chemistry take fire in reality? I’d soon find out.

The Sop

So, all of last week, like every other Gult-Bram (Telugu Brahmin), I was on my yearly temple hopping trip with my family. This is one of the two trips of the year we embark on together as a family. Though I am not an overtly religious person, I do believe in a Higher power, and the relish the beauty and architecture of the temples. I enjoy the positive energy vibes that I get from the place. I also feel like I am accumulating a little bit of punya this way!

When we usually visit one particular temple in South India, we usually choose to ascend the temple perched upon the hill, by foot, using the staircase built for this purpose. The journey uphill usually takes between an hour and two. It's quite an arduous task, as the steps are quite old and high. On most days they're also slippery with all the haldi and kumkum pastes that people who wish to fulfill mannats dab upon the face of each step.  We started early, by about five in the morning, fearing rains afterwards. By the time we were finished with the darshan, and were going down the stairs it was about seven in the morning.

As I was descending the stairs, I noticed an old lady. She would've been about my grandmother's age. Her long silver white hair was tied into a fierce knot upon her head. She was dressed in a crimson saree, and resting upon the step, midway to the top of the hill. She looked haggard, and as if she was in some sort of a trance. Her eyes focused upon the destination ahead. A boy, sitting next to her, was pouring water from a bottle into her mouth,and dabbing at the beads of sweat upon her forehead with a paper towel. 

I had seen these kind of scenes many times before. People would get exhausted on their way uphill, and stop to rest somewhere in the middle. However, this time around, there was something fierce about this lady. The determination in her eyes was somehow different. It kept me rooted to my spot. I felt like watching her some more. As I watched, I realized why this lady had drawn my attention. The steely gaze, now made sense. She was ascending the steps on all fours. She was actually crawling up them on her knees and wrists. I had goosebumps prickle upon my skin. I had not seen something like this before. I watched her for a bit more, and quickly withdrew my gaze. 

This was stirring something inside me. Some unknown mixture of horror and awe. So many questions raced through my mind. Why? Why would someone do something like that? 

As I finished the descent, I joined my family in the car. Once inside, I relayed this entire event to my mother, and asked the same question. My mother told me, that every year, lots of people made the journey uphill in this fashion. This was one kind of a mannat; reserved only for some of the toughest people, who had gone through even tougher situations in life. People would make such mannats as sops to the Lord, their savior, in return for prevailing over an impossible life or death choice or situation in their lives. My eyes teared up for the old lady, as I comprehended all this. I let out a small prayer to the Lord, to ease her journey. I also let out another prayer in gratitude, for this life that I'd been gifted.

Just like Waves

Like every other poet-ess of my time, I believe that the best expression of my thoughts is through my poetry. So, here is one to talk about my state of mind at the moment.

Just as waves do,

They surge, they ebb.

High and mighty,

Ascending to dizzying heights,

Low, and down below,

Drowning to the sinking abyss.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

Just like the sand.

A clean slate,

Waiting for the imprints,

Of the myriard laughs you bring.

As your feet dig in,

A memory is sown.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

Just like the shells,

Scattered about.

Some oyster like,

Holding pearls of happiness within.

Priceless.

Others hollow and empty,

Worthless.

Ensuing one misery,

After the other.

Such is the journey

Called Life.

Just like the Sun,

Sinking for the day into

The black depths of the ocean.

Ascertaining, the value of every ray.

Soon to be extinguished.

With the promise of a come back,

Once again,

Again and again.

Such is the journey,

Called Life.

A Friend in Need

 I had just showered. As I dried my damp hair, I walked into my closet. I ran my hand over the various ensembles I could put together. I studied my reflection in the mirror as I had done every morning.  An off white blouse, with a dark grey skirt, or perhaps a mustard yellow blouse with a navy blue skirt- one of them would surely do the trick, for the client presentation today. My clients were all I lived for after I’d started working as an Analyst for a financial firm. Don’t get me wrong. I loved my job. It kept me on my toes, and still excited me after four years. The downside was my dwindling social life. I hardly had the time to keep in touch with my old friends, let alone, make new ones.

 The mustard yellow blouse appealed to me today. After a quick breakfast, I examined my final look in the mirror. I hurried down the stairs; I was running late, again.  As I approached my car in the parking space across the road, I noticed that something was not quite right. I could see flies hovering around on the inside of the car. That was not possible; Unless, the window of the car was broken! Indeed, the passenger’s the side window was broken. Powdered glass debris lay scattered all over the seat. I moved cautiously towards the driver’s side of vehicle in a state of shock, prepared for the worst. That’s when I saw the worst of it: the dashboard had been vandalized! The custom made stereo system, along with the speakers had been pulled out- wires et al.

 I was dazed. I had only heard of car theft. I had no idea what was supposed to be done when confronted with something like this. I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks, and the sobs escaping my mouth in between gulps of air. I felt defeated, alone.That’s when my neighbor, for the better part of the last one month approached me. I remember him handing me a bottle of water to drink, as he patted my back, uttering reassurances of “there, there”.  He then proceeded to take a look at my car, taking in the damage.

 “Is your car insured?” he asked me, “Oh yes! It is.” I answered, suddenly realizing that I could put in a claim for more than half of this damage. I heaved a sigh of relief. The situation was redeemable! He then proceeded to ask me whether I had reported the theft to the police, and then explained the procedure with the insurance company. He even offered to drive me to the police station and the insurance company office in his vehicle. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you wrap this up. I know a couple of people down at the station”, he said.

 I felt blessed to have him beside me on that day. He was true to his word. He not only drove me to the station and insurance company, but also took care of all the other paper work, just taking my signatures on the dotted lines. We even grabbed a pizza along the way; he had turned this adversity into a picnic! He was an angel in disguise for me that day. He spent an entire day helping someone he hardly knew; to ease their distress. He made me believe that humanity wasn’t dead, that all the world needed to become a better place was more people like him.

 “Hey! I completely forgot to ask you. What’s your name?” I asked him as we just pulled up into his parking spot. “I’m Krish”, he said extending his hand to shake. “I’m Siya”, I said drawing him into a hug. I’d made a new friend.  

The canvas, called life

The biggest and most difficult decision is life always about, what we want to make of it. So, how do most of us take that call? How do we know what the right thing to do is or even to not do? How do we know that what we’re doing today will benefit us tomorrow? How do we know that we’ll be happy?

Now, let me try to answer all those questions to the best of my experience and knowledge.

The call. The trickiest thing ever, to be or not to be. This is perhaps the toughest one. I for one, never ever know, even till the last minute, and more often than not, just end up trusting my gut. I find this one so difficult, that once, out of sheer frustration, unable to discuss or argue further about whether to do or not, I simply tossed a coin.

Heads, I do it. Tails, I don’t.

At other, more sensible and sane times, I call up my closest friends, and pour my heart out to them, and let them give me inputs and then decide. And sometimes, I just blindly follow the societal norm of what’s expected and do it. So many different ways for just one person to decide.

But that is the nature of the hurdles life throws to us. Sometimes, it’s an easy catch, and sometimes we need to dive, and scrape our elbows for it!

The next hurdle is always after you take the call, whether the call we’ve taken is right or not. Now, that’s something that we have no way of knowing before taking the call. Some decisions on the face of it appear to be the most correct, but might not be so in reality, while others may appear to be not so good, but might benefit us the most!

So, what I believe is that only 50% of the decision is ever completely in our hands, for the other 50%, we just need to take a leap of faith. Which means, jump first, and pray real hard that there be a cushion underneath!

In short, what I mean to say is that let your life take you places, but then once there, you always have the choice of what you’re going to make out of it. From there on courage, determination, discipline and love help us make our lives.

Our life is like an empty canvas, life gives us the assortment of paints that we’re to use on it, to make it beautiful and fruitful. Now, it’s our choice what kind of shades we choose to paint on it, and in what way. We may just splash random colours, and make a mess of it, or plan ahead, choose the right shades, and make a gorgeous painting out of it.

And what’s to happen when the paint runs out? No worries, life will always give us the option to open a whole new set of paints, with different shades, they might be different from what we’ve used before, but there’re also paints.

Wonder who’s the paintbrush in the entire scenario?

Some people like to call it destiny, some fate, and some others like to call him God. Just like the paintbrush helps to transfer the paint onto the canvas, God/fate/destiny helps us to find our path in life.

So, don’t fret if life isn’t a smooth ride right now. It might be a bumpy ride right now, but yes, Life will take us to that special place, and we’ll make it a haven, a wonderful place of our own, and carve out our niche.